The Next Five Years…
In December 2010 the club released details of its bold seven year plan. This allowed for a couple of seasons in the Championship, a relegation, another promotion and then stability in the Premier League. It also detailed how the debt would be reduced, a commitment to strengthening the squad and plans to redevelop the City Stand should we gain Premier League status for long enough to justify it.
Just 14 months later it is clear how conservative this plan was. Back to back promotions followed by a tremendous start to Premier League life see Norwich sitting on 35 points in mid-February. As such, the club have found it expedient to put together a new plan, one that takes our recent success into account and plans accordingly. My sources at the club tell me this won’t be released until we are mathematically safe in the Premier League, but I’ve got my hands on the draft copy which I’m going to publish below.
A year of stabilisation. Projected to finish between 7th and 17th, the exact positioning will dictate summer transfer targets due to disparity in prize funds. Plans begin to be drawn up for redevelopment of the City stand with an aim to begin work in Summer 2013. Paul Lambert to be offered a new contract which contains a house with a choice of live-in maids, as well as a private jet. Robert Snodgrass is set to join causing a seethe so deafening that it registers on the richter scale. Grant Holt announces his international retirement after winning the golden boot at Euro 2012. He credits England manager Harry Redknapps tactical advice to “just fahkin run abaaht a bit.”
Norwich continue their rapid ascent by winning their first piece of silverware since 1985, picking up the FA Cup in May. This would normally guarantee Europa League football, but Norwich will instead ply their trade in the Champions League having been narrowly pipped to the title by Man City on the final day. Grant Holt finishes top scorer with 41 goals. Wes Hoolahan finally gets his 2nd cap for Ireland, but is subbed after 3 minutes. Rumours suggest Trappatoni thought he was a magic leprechaun. An official link is made between Norwich and Leeds in which the latter is rebranded Norwich City Amateurs. It is the stated ambition of all Amateurs’ players to make the step up to the pros. The City stand is demolished and work is begun on its replacement, a state of the art stand which will increase capacity to 35,000. Paul Lambert is offered a new contract which includes 450 acres of land around Elvedon and Delia as his live in cook.
Many years practice in beating Swansea comes in useful as Norwich demolish Barcelona in the Champions League final, their first piece of European silverware. This goes hand in hand with the Premier League, FA Cup, Charity Shield and League Cup successes at home. Paul Lambert still responds to every question with “they’ve been brilliant…I just want safety…brilliant…lads need a hand.” The lads get a hand when Norwich announce their record signing, bringing in Wayne Rooney from Man Utd, but he is soon shipped off to Norwich City Amateurs for being a tit. Paul Lambert is offered the Man Utd job, but turns it down saying “I’m no a fuckin’ mug, right?” He is offered a new contract which includes a statue outside City Hall and the renaming of January to Lambertary. Grant Holt retires to become the host of countdown. Wayne Rooney is sold to Swansea.
Adam Drury finally retires. The Barclay is knocked down and work begins on a new stand to raise the capacity to 40,000, which is the same length as the season ticket waiting list. David McNally assumes control of the entire club following the retirement of Delia and Michael, and the club motto is immediately changed to “d’you fuckin’ want some?” On the pitch Norwich continue to dominate through home based players, but people begin to worry that Lambert is letting the success go to his head when he demands to be called ‘your eminence’. The Evening News is banned from Carrow Road after suggesting his eminence was merely imminent. Lambert is offered a new contract in which he splits his job role; half the week is spent at Colney, the other half in Downing Street. The economy experiences an unexpected surge.
Lambert resigns as Norwich City manager to concentrate his time on world peace. After presiding over a time of unprecedented economic growth, he forges a two state solution in the middle east and discovers the lost treasure of Sierra Madre. The new Norwich manager is Grant Holt. In his first job in management, Holty is a natural and coaches the team with incentives of deep fried mars bars and AA membership. It is a recipe for success as Norwich go the entire season unbeaten. Lambert is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, and balance is restored to the force.